Berdoa, Bersabar, Bersyukur

Siang ini gabut luar biasa. Barusan habis selesai makan siang di luar kantor dan mendapati badan rasanya lumer di bawah terik matahari Jakarta. Sesampainya kembali di ruangan kerja seakan ingin memeluk AC sekaligus berkata: "Tuhan terimakasih sudah membantu manusia menciptakan AC yang dingin kayak gini."

"Dasar lebay!"

Kemudian saya termenung sebentar karena sadar akan jarangnya saya bersyukur kepada Tuhan akhir-akhir ini. Padahal begitu banyak hal menyenangkan mulai dari hal kecil yang tidak terlalu berasa efeknya sampai hal besar yang dikaruniai Tuhan yang akhirnya akan mengubah cerita hidup saya di masa yang akan datang.

I feel horrible. Betapa sering saya mengeluh kepada Tuhan atas hal-hal yang terjadi di luar keinginan saya. Atas hal-hal yang Tuhan selipkan guna membuat saya belajar menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik dengan cara yang kadang kurang menyenangkan. Namun terkadang saya selalu lupa bersyukur atas doa-doa saya yang satu persatu dikabulkan oleh-Nya.

Kalau kita berdoa sama Tuhan itu, jawabannya cuma iya. Iya, tapi nanti bukan sekarang saatnya. Iya, tapi diganti yang lain yaa bukan yang ini. Iya, tapi dengan usaha yang lebih dari ini.

Setelah saya renungkan lagi, gue sangat sering berdoa. Uhm, mungkin lebih ke-menuntut Tuhan untuk memberikan hal sesuai keinginan saya dan dengan cara paling menyenangkan bagi saya. Bahkan tidak jarang saya berdoa untuk hal-hal sepele dan muluk-muluk, tapi pada akhirnya Tuhan mengabulkan. Meskipun waktunya tidak selalu beriringan namun Tuhan selalu punya cara dan waktunya sendiri untuk membuat saya terkejut (kemudian lupa bersyukur).

Di suatu hari saya berdoa untuk bisa meraih gelar S1 saya diumur 21. Mengingat sebenarnya saya msaih bisa wisuda di umur 22 karena kebanyakan teman seangkatan saya selesai diumur segitu, tapi tetap saya diwisuda beberapa bulan sebelum memasuki umur 22 tahun. Di saat itu saya masih lupa bersyukur, padahal sahabat-sahabat saya bahkan saat itu masih belum memiliki kepastian akan menyelesaikan studi.

Di suatu sore saya berandai-andai untuk bisa melanjutkan studi saya di luar negeri padahal sebelumnya menyelesaikan S1 saja saya sudah malas-malasan. Kemudian pada akhirnya saat ini saya sudah setengah jalan menyelesaikan studi saya, meskipun pada akhirnya tidak di luar negeri. Tapi Tuhan meng-iya-kan doa saja dengan caranya yang kedua. Terima kasih, Tuhan. Maaf saya masih lupa bersyukur.

Di tengah kegalauan saya mencari pekerjaan, saya sempat hampir putus asa. Di tengah keputus asaan saya, saya berdoa yang diselingi tangis ketakutan dan kepasrahan, saya menginginkan pekerjaan di Kementerian X. Padahal saat itu saya bahkan tidak pernah dan tidak berani mendaftar di sana. Alhamdulillah dua bulan kemudian saya diterima di Kementerian X, dan bekerja sampai sekarang. 

Di setiap pembicaraan saya mengenai kelak pria seperti apa yang akan mendampingi saya di masa depan, saya sering berdoa di dalam candaan. Saya ingin pria yang sikap dan pemikirannya dewasa namun juga bisa saya ajak bercanda di level humor saya yang menyedihkan. Saya ingin pria yang mau mencintai saya dengan semua kompleksitas, ketidak-percayaan diri, dan ego serta gengsi saya. Tuhan mengirimkan saya sosok yang mampu membuat saya menangis di dalam tawa saya ketika mendengar candaan bagaimana dirinya mengisi waktu luangnya dengan menghafalkan ijab kabul dengan nama saya. Atas hal ini, saya ingin bersyukur yang sebesar-besarnya kepada Tuhan karena telah mengabulkan satu persatu dari sejuta doa yang saya panjatkan mengenai sosok pendamping di masa depan.

Sampai pada akhirnya saya tiba di titik "Gila ya, gue dulu pernah iseng berdoa minta "ini". Aneh ga sih menurut lo gue pernah doa gitu? Tapi yang lebih anehnya malah dikasih."

For some people, I'm just being lucky for having everything I had for now. For me, God is testing me with being extremely generous and nice. God eventually gives me time to be extremely happy and overwhelmed with good things and wonder will I come back to Him to say thank you or being a jerk and asking even more to Him.

Terima kasih Tuhan, atas segala hal yang telah terjadi di (hampir) 24 tahun kehidupan saya. Ingatkan saya untuk tidak terlalu egois meminta terlalu banyak. Tarik saya kembali ketika saya berjalan terlalu jauh dan lupa untuk bersyukur.

Terima kasih Tuhan, sup ikan kakap siang ini enak meskipun saya tidak suka ikan.

Jakarta, 27 Juli 2018

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Dear Universe, I'm falling in (I hope) a right spot!

Well, I finally come into one serious relationship.
A relationship that already leads to a marriage talk.
A relationship that makes me telling Mom that I'm seeing this guy.
A relationship that makes me believe that love is the greatest thing can happen to human being.
A relationship that makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth.
A relationship that can change me into a better person in a super beautiful way.

I love him so much 'till the point it'll really break me down whenever a glimpse of thought I can't be together with him crossing my mind.
I love him like I've never loved someone this hard before.
I love him that I could risk everything I have to be with him.
I love him 'till the point I want to share my room, the one thing I'll always hate, for the rest of my life.
I love him to the point I want to sacrifice my life to be a mother of his beautiful children.
Our beautiful children.
I love him in the purest way I've ever been.

So I knew this guy as one of my bestfriend.
I thought he'll be just a friend.
But my heart tingles whenever he's goofing around.
People thought he's weird.
For me he's cute.
My cute goofy bestfriend.

I kept spending my time around him.
I kept my surrounding to be always around him.
I felt weird and thought I might like him.
But I thought it will just be temporary.

Time has past.
He became even more charming each days.
The way he goofed around or backing me up or helping me or helping others.
I really wanted to know him even more.

'Till that day, we got a chance to spend a whole day together.
Surprisingly, he loves to talk just like I do.
Little did I know, I ended up open up my self.
Telling him stories I barely shared with people.
Opening up about families. Telling him my childhood.
I ended up realize I've never talked about that to anyone. Ever.

I become super comfortable being in my own skin around him.
And when he shared about his life, I feel so much honoured.
This is crazy.

I slightly decide to give him chance to let he knows I am into him.
That day, we spend a night.
After that, everything moved faster.
We rushed everything and overwhelmed.

Two skeptics, sad, and lonely people find each other.
We are commited to be in a relationship.
Two goofy people started dating.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
The beginning of our journey just about to start.
We are preparing our ship to be ready to sail.
We are building our ship as strong as possible just in case we're hit by the enormous storm.
Dear Universe, thank you for letting me falling this hard, but this time I'm pretty sure this is the right spot.
Dear God, thank you for answering my pray and sending him to me. Please let this be the end of my wander.

Jakarta, July 4th 2018

We are about to end our Long Distance cause he's home tonight!

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Commuting Life in Jakarta

Before starting this post, I wanna tell you that I'm going to write this post mostly in Indonesian since it's been ages for me not blogging in Indonesian.

Sudah hampir dua bulan sih gue secara rutin menggunakan jasa Commuter Line sebagai transportasi harian gue ke kantor.

Wait...

Let me give you a quick update about my life in the past months.

I am an employee now. Yay!

Alhamdulillah gue sudah  mengakhiri masa-masa pengangguran yang sungguh sangat bikin depresi. Gue sekarang bekerja untuk salah satu kementerian yang sangat tersohor. Never did I know that I'll be a part of them. Meskipun belum menjadi pegawai tetapnya, tapi tetep bangga lah bisa bekerja di level itu.

I am back to the Uni for the master degree! Another yay!

Gue akhirnya melanjutkan studi master gue di dalam negeri. Meleset jauh dari rencana awal sih sebenernya, tapi memang mungkin ini jalannya karena gue diterima bekerja di kementerian. Gue melanjutkan studi di jurusan Hubungan Internasional, Universitas Indonesia. I'm taking Master of International Relation simply because I failed my personal international relationship that was one thing I always want to do from the start. Alhamdulillah-nya lagi studi master gue sangatlah nyambung sama kerjaan. So yeah, win-win solution.

So, dikarenakan jarak antara kantor dan kampus itu sangat jauh dan udah beda provinsi. Ditambah lagi kuliah gue jadwalnya weekdays (tapi malem), jadi gue memutuskan buat tinggal di Depok aja (kebetulan kalo pascasarjana HI kampusnya di Depok. huhu jauh shay). Kantor gue itu di Gambir, sementara gue tinggalnya di Depok, otomatis Commuter Line adalah satu-satunya angkutan yang promising dan menghemat banyak sekali waktu. Dari Stasiun UI ke Stasiun Juanda itu jarak tempuh menggunakan kereta kurang lebih hanya 40 menit, sedangkan kalo mau naik busway, nyetir, atau lain-lain yang mesti lewat tol bisa sampe 2 jam-an lebih. Gile kan, bisa-bisa tua di jalan. Jadilah akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk naik kereta aja lah, lebih cepet.

Mungkin untuk mereka yang sudah lama tinggal di Jabodetabek, bermacet-macet ria di jalanan dan desek-desekan di kereta itu adalah hal biasa. Tapi untuk saya yang notabene besar dan lama di daerah hal kayak gini lumayan bikin sinting. Gue sudah berada di jakarta 9 bulanan sekarang, tapi jarang banget make kendaraan umum. Sewaktu masih di Padang juga gitu, jarang banget naik transportasi umum. Bahkan seumur hidup gue baru 3 kali naik TransPadang karena memang gue lebih banyak menggunakan kendaraan pribadi. Sementara di Jakarta ini, untuk nyetir sendiri bukanlah sebuah pilihan yang tepat untuk orang yang buta arah macem gue ini mengingat jalanan di Jakarta belibetnya minta ampun. Salah-salah malah ntar harusnya ke kantor, gue bisa nyasar ampe Tangerang.

Pada akhirnya gue menyerah dan memutuskan untuk membaur di masyarakat dan menggunakan Commuter Line. Pertama kali commuting di Jakarta itu gue inget banget. Waktu itu gue baru mau tes masuk UI sekitar bulan April awal tahun ini. Sebelumnya gue sama sekali gapernah naik kereta apapun. Haha. Jadi hari itu gue harus ke Depok untuk menginap di kosan temen gue karena SIMAK UI jadwalnya pagi banget. Waktu itu gue masih tinggal di Cikarang yang jauhnya minta ampun gara-gara Cikampek macetnya membunuh moral. I've never been in Depok before dan kalaupun pernah gue yakin gue pasti disetirin. Kemudian gue nanya ama temen gue, kalo mau ke sana naik bis apa dan naik dari mana, secara gue dulu masih anak busway banget. Kemudian temen gue menyarankan naik kereta aja, BUT I WAS A VIRGIN (for commuter line). Akhirnya yaudah nekat aja naik kereta dari Stasiun Cawang. Karena biasanya gue kemana-mana di Jakarta naik mobil dan ikut macet-macetan di jalan, gue ngerasa cepet amat nyampe Stasiun UI. Cuma sekitar 30 menitan kemudian udah nyampe aja dong di St. UI. Akhirnya yaudah, gue ketagihan commuting.

Pertama kali commuting itu gue naiknya sekitar jam 11an siang which is masih sepi banget! Little did I know that commuting in rush hours can kill you literally. Hari pertama ke kantor itu gue masih sangat excited sehingga jam 6 pagi udah nyampe di stasiun (di kamus hidup gue 6 pagi itu masih too early for work. lol). I didn't expect that the commuter will be that packed. Hari pertama gue naik commuter line di rush hour, gue naiknya di gerbong khusus wanita. Dan.... Sengit banget sodara-sodara! I was literally squished! Belum lagi sebelum naik kereta mesti sikut-sikutan sama Ibu-Ibu dan Mba-Mba dengan superpower. Asli deh, kalo ada yang mau tahu gimana mematikannya kekuatan Ibu-Ibu, kalian mesti nyobain naik di gerbong cewek.

Day 1 commuting in Jakarta, I thought my ribs were broken.

Kapok banget asli deh gue naik di gerbong cewek. Bukannya apa-apa sih, gue ngeri aja nyampe kantor gue mesti di gips. Akhirnya gue menyerah, besoknya gue naik di gerbong campur. Pertama kali gue naik gerbong campur sih sama sekali gaada masalah. Malahan orang-orang jauh lebih considerate dibanding di gerbong cewek. Everything was so fine, until I need to deal with those random boners. Pfftt

If you guys ever saw the video about how packed the train in Japan on rush hour that the officer needs to push people or shoving them in the train, it is the same situation here in Jakarta. Especially kereta dari Bogor. Sebagai orang yang punya social anxiety di mana ketika ada  stranger yang intervensi personal space gue, gue akan gampang panik, commuting ini adalah tantangan tersendiri. Gimana enggak, di dalem kereta jarak satu orang ke orang lain bisa sama sekali ga ada. Lu bakalan nempel banget ama orang-orang di sekitar physically. Awalnya gue agak stress tapi lama-lama jadi pasrah aja udah, emang keadaannya gabisa dielakkan lagi. Lama-lama gue jadi mulai terbiasa.

BUT, namanya juga di gerbong campur yang banyak bapak-bapak dan cowok-cowok otomatis lu orang punya badan juga nempel-nempel ke mereka saking gaadanya lagi ruang kosong. Gue selalu mengambil posisi menghadap ke pintu (karena kalo membelakangi pintu ya hadep-hadepan dong ama mereka). Being taller that common people can be a blessed and cursed in the same time. Positifnya gue masih bisa napas dan ga diketek-ketekin orang-orang. Negatifnya adalah karena gue tinggi dan kebanyakan sama tinggi ama cowok-cowok lain, I can't help it that my butt is on the same level as their crouch. Things are being an issue when di kereta you nempel banget and you guys can't help it that your body being rubbed against each other and I can feel their little junior getting excited back then. I know that guys can't control that, but still I feel super uncomfortable. There are some possibilities where they have no intention and it just happened OR some of them are simply perverts.

I don't want to be more stressed out with the fact that I need to deal  with random boner around me every freaking day so I was surrendered. Gue kembali memilih naik di gerbong cewek dengan segala persaingan sengitnya. Ketimbang gue mesti suudzon dan merasa dilecehkan, gue lebih memilih terjun ke medan perangnya buibuk. I become tougher and tougher every single day. Ketika ada yang nyikut gue secara sengaja, gue akan bales nyikut lebih kenceng. Untuk pertama kalinya di hidup gue, gue merasa ga sia-sia dulu pernah belajar Karate. But I never expect to use it against buibuk, tho.

Sekarang sudah hampir dua bulan gue commuting. Untuk saat ini gue mulai menikmati segala kesengitannya. Bahkan gue mulai menikmati ketika gravitasi di gerbong cewek mencapai titik 0 (ketika kereta condong ke kiri kita semua ke kiri, ketika keretanya ke kanan semuanya ke kanan). Gue jadi menganggap naik commuter line udah kayak naik wahana di Dufan, thrilling.

Kalo naik kereta, gausah pada pake tas atau sepatu mahal-mahal deh. Please leave your 3 million bags or your brand new Zara Shoes at home! Karena sayang aja gitu kegencet-gencet di kereta. Another thing I know girls can relate is you are too busy to protect your boobies. LOL. As a girl whose boobies aren't considered as enormous (mine is an okay I think. lol) I have a hard time to protect them for not being squeezed because it's freaking hurt you fools! Apalagi kalo pas lagi dapet dan badan mendadak sensitif, kesenggol dikit aja nyerinya luar biasa #GirlsNumberOneProblem

Commuting everyday here in Jakarta teaches me many things. Bagaimana semua orang di sini hidupnya berjuang untuk mencari nafkah. Desek-desekan tiap hari, belom lagi pulang udah malem tetep gabisa duduk. Gue juga bertemu banyak orang-orang baik yang rela menyerahkan tempat duduk mereka ke yang lebih tua, meskipun keliatannya jarak umurnya ga terlalu jauh. Yang paling penting suasana commuting itu menunjukkan betapa kerasnya hidup di Jakarta, dan gue sebagai yang masih sangat muda jangan mau kalah semangatnya sama mereka yang lebih tua. Yang gue salut adalah mereka yang lagi hamil besar masih bela-belain naik commuter buat kerja, atau mereka yang bawa balita (meskipun kadang gue agak sedikit kontra sih sama mereka yang bawa bayi merah naik kereta di rush hour. But we never know people's story. Maybe they have no choice).

Meskipun begitu tetep aja gue ketemu beberapa orang yang I considered as rude people. Misalnya mereka yang pura-pura hamil atau pura-pura ketiduran supaya bisa duduk. Atau ibu-ibu yang suka nyeletuk "Ada yang hamil lagi ya? Yaelah bikin ribet aja. Susah nih lewatnya!" Memang lah ya, ibu-ibu itu bisa jadi makhluk yang paling mulia hatinya dan bisa juga jadi yang paling jahat mulutnya. Gue berdoa aja kelak ketika gue sudah menjadi ibu-ibu akan dijauhkan dari segala sifat yang jahat kayak gitu. Amit-amit.

Atau minimal ketika gue sudah jadi ibu-ibu gue bisa beli apartemen sebelahan ma kantor biar gausah naik kereta dan nyinyirin orang sekitar gue. Amin.

Sudah ya, gue kudu tidur karena besok itu  Harpitnas dan tetep masih ngantor. Huhu

Anyway, hari ini HUT ke 72 Republik Indonesia. Ga perlulah pamer-pamer ngepost tentang Indonesia biar dikira Nasionalis kalo disuruh upacara 17-an aja kalian masih pada males-malesan!

Dirgahayu Indonesiaku!

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How can we be like this?

How can we keep liking someone who constantly ignoring us?
How can we keep longing for their attention when we already know they only look for us whenever they are bored?
How can we still stick on the feeling that we know is only one sided?

Love is silly.
Love is insane.
Love is not stupid but it makes us one of a kind.

How can we not realize that we are being abused? Not physically of course.
How can we keep holding on when it is obvious that they don't even want our presence?

How can we not let go when they genuinely ask us to go?
How can we be like this?

How can you say you love me then leave me the other night without saying goodbye?
How can you shut me out completely from your life without give me a single chance to know why?

Please tell me how can you be okay so I can at least do better.
Because since I met you, I completely forget how to do things without being hurt.

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Digging on My Poor Sense of Arts

I have heaps of free time lately and decide to learn so many variety things. I choose to learn things which requires less movement as much as possible because I'm the lazy ass. On December I decided to learn Hangeul, Korean lettering, since I already am able to speak little broken Korean. Turns out I gave up in less than 3 days because DA HECK THEY ARE SO COMPLICATED! My brain can't process that much rules on writing. I used to learn Japanese in High School and you know what? Japanese are waaaaaayy way easier than Korean. I regret that I didn't take my Japanese lesson really seriously back then. Imagine, I could be more multilingual now, besides Japan is so much cooler now rather than when I was in High School. 

Earlier this year, I decided to learn Spanish because Hispanics are sexy. Hahaha. Nope, because it is easier than the others. I was contemplating about learning some European languages like Dutch, Germany, Swedish, Polish, Italian or learning Spanish. I finally chose Spanish just because I feel like I'm familiar with it. I used to watch Dora The Explorer with my lil brother at home and Dora speaks a lil bit Spanish. Yeah, go ahead guys. Judge me.

I learn Spanish through an app called Duolingo. You can find it on PlayStore and they are fun and free! You can learn lots of languages there (you can see it by yourself. I'm not gonna list it for you, you lazy cheese!). This app is sooooo freaking good. It teaches you from the very basic level such as vocabulary. It only takes 5 minutes a day, every freakin' day. The thing is Duolingo is a little bit passive-aggressive just like an annoying boyfriend. They'll remind you both on your email and directly on to your phone. If you didn't take your lesson for more than a week (just like me), they will give you reminder like a needy girlfriend and stop emailing you. I find it funny. But I still use it up until now because it is fun, even I'm still in a vocabulary level because I'm such a bad and moody student. It works flawlessly!

Besides learning new language I also now learn to do hand lettering. I don't really remember why I want to do this at the first place but there was one night I was writing my diary (I still write a diary. Regularly. Judge me again) then the next minute I was on YouTube searching for: "How To Do Hand Lettering for Beginner". Then I found it on my diary.

My very first attempt.

The next day I went to Senayan City to do some work out (fast walking, jogging from one outlet to another, going round and round. I love this kind of exercise). Hours later I came back home with one sketch book, and three different kind of things like pen but not really a pen. Soon I realized I just spend too much for only 4 items. I can buy one large pan of pizza and the side dishes with that much amount of money. Isn't it a super basic fool thing girls do? But other girls spend it for make up, mine just for some basic hand lettering beginner starter pack. Lyf.

Here is my large Idaho Cheesy Pizza with MacNCheese

I purchased one sketch book by Canson. It's quite nice I think. I don't really know about sketch book quality or something, but this is enough. It's A5 in size and not really that big but a little bit pricey than I thought. I'm not sure if I want to purchase it back because it's a little bit too thin. If you can see I also use Sharpie and it doesn't go so well with the paper. It leaves traces to some pages under the page that I currently work with. Also I bought one Gray Color Sharpie because the color is sooo cute but a little bit too thick. Later I will try to buy the thinner pointer. I also bought one Zebra milli pen 0.1 mm and works like an art. The last thing I bought is the super duper expensive brushing pen by Pigma and let me tell you this, it sucks! The tip of the pen is not that flexible and it is super hard to learn how to do stroking. I definitely am not going to repurchased it sometime in the future because it seriously doesn't worth the money. I just bought them less than a week and look what happened:

It is broken already!! Are you kidding me?!

Anyway I have so much fun exploring my self doing some artsy sheits stuffs and the rest of this blog is going to be me bragging about my hand lettering ability. It looks awkward at the first time, but I can tell that I'm slowly improving day by day. The more I do practices the better the outcomes. It just like learn how to kiss someone ride a bicycle for the first time. You can find your balance the more you try it.

I was shaking so much.

Oh, I usually look for some examples on Google, Pinterest or Tumblr then I tried to copy it. Sometimes I changed the words or the letters which one that I feel for more comfortable.

I use my milli pen on this. It has more control.

Don't really like it but it looks fine.

using brushing pen

Yap. I know. It's gramaticaly wrong.

I don't realize I screw up the grammar until I'm taking the picture. Kraay

My brushing pen is broken while making the S letter on the Shine

And we keep rolling with the broken pen.

Then I give up and using the mili pen again. btw it took so much time to fill in each letter on this one.

I was about to be sooooo proud of this one until I miss-spelled the empathy. Since we can't redo it, I just keep along. It is using the combination of broken pen brush and milli pen.

I rarely use the Sharpie because it leaves traces on the following pages but today I decide to just rock it. AND IT ROCKS!
I love Sharpie!

Back to the milli pen

I'm bad with placing and composition.

I love the quote but I hate the drawing. Why am I so bad at drawing :( It's clearly shown how tired I'm because it's the 8th drawing of the day.

Well, how do you guys think about my doodling? I only learn the basic strokes on YouTube but I don't think I'm keeping up with that stroke. I don't know why maybe the shitty pen or my blessed hand is really can't do art. But for people who are terrible at art, I think I'm doing fine.

Seriously, it is somehow an attempt for me to find an art blood in me. I'm so bad at drawing, I'm not flexible so can't dance, I'm too clumsy to do some painting. The only form of art that I can do is only singing AND it's only me who think I can sing (and my mother, because every mother thinks their daughter always doing good).

I regularly post an update about my hand lettering project on my Tumblr so if you think you are interesting enough to see me growing some art on me, check it here.

See you at another post xoxo

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No Mom, I am not okay. But I hope you are.

My relationship with my Mom is not like the other daughters to their Mom. I am more like Dad's tough little girl rather than Mom's little helper. I was living miles apart from my Mom when I was 4 years old for a year due to my Mom's job. Years 4 is the year I need my Mom the most, but she wasn't there. In replace my grandmother was there being a  substitute and play the role of mother for me. That's why I love Oma the most in my life and I think My Mom feels that it's not fair for her. I still love my Mom anyway.

After she came back and we are reunited, my Mom gave a birth to the little devil I called sister. Yes, my little sister comes when I just got my mother back. Wonder why I used to hate her (I still hate her now for stealing my stuffs, but I can tell I miss her the most when I'm alone). Since I have a little sister, I felt like I was pushed away. I never really being that close anymore to my mother after that. I become closer to my father since I know that I am his favorite child (not until 12 years later My Mom gave birth to my favorite little brother. But I'm okay Dad, I always know you want a son. Besides my brother is super cute too.)

Growing up in my teenage life, I became a little bit wild. I always made some troubles that the school needs to call Mom. In this age, we fought a lot, like suuuuuper a lot. I never wanted to listen and always did the opposite things Mom told me. I think she suffered a lot because of me. I know, I was a bad kid. Even if I was doing good with my study, get the top three in class, winning some athletics competition, but still I always put my self in trouble by fighting with other students.

I never shout or yelled to my Mom. Nor even talked back whenever she scolds me. I just kept on  being silent because I know I was wrong. The thing is I keep doing the same mistake and guess what is the worst part? I never told her that I was sorry to her. I regret it now.

Whenever we fight, Dad always be the only one who suffered a lot. He can't choose. He knows my mom is right and I was wrong, but he can't scold me since he knows I know I was wrong but I just don't want to tell. I have the biggest ego in the world when I was a teenager and guess where is it from? Of course my Mom. I ever runaway from home. Twice (if I wasn't wrong). I came back home after realizing I scared the shit out of my Dad (and also running out of money. Classic). I never want to worry my father. Being a bad kid for my Mom is enough, Dad always has my back I shouldn't have made him worried too, that was what I thought.

I moved out from home for Uni and that was the best day of my life. I got my own place and lived alone by my rules. I was finally being free and not gonna fight with Mom anymore. During my first year, I only come home once a month while my friends are going home almost every weekend. I was doing super fine alone and my Mom and me barely even fight.

Everything changed when I turned 20. Out of nowhere I started to realize so many things in life including the things that I always hate: Mama's Don't Rules. My Mom has soooooo many things that she told me I can't do. But in that age, I realize Mom was right. Every. Single. Time.

In my 20 I realized why Mom asks me to do my own laundry, doing chores, and many other things that I hate. Turns out, everything that she taught me (that I always hate) made me a better human being rather than the other children on my age. I started to realize that I hate my Mom for taking care of me and I felt bad. I remembered that night I was on a deep thought and suddenly I texted her that I am really sorry. She freaks out and calls me the other day. She thought I was about to do something stupid and we laughed a lot that morning,

The more I grow up, the more I realize that Mom just tried to help me. She helps me to be prepared for this cruel world when I am all alone and she can't offer direct help. It was just me who interpreted wrongly and thought she was just trying to torture me.

My relationship with mom grows better and better. Mom used to worried about me a lot and not allowed me to do many things and anywhere unnecessary. But now, she is fully trusting me for doing anything. She lets me to choose my own clothes (and still nags me that I look ugly and inappropriate then ask me to change. But I feel fine now.), she allows me to take a vacation with friends wherever I want, she stops questioning me for whatever I do and starts to support me. I think she realizes now that I'm totally grown up and know what to do.

We still fight whenever we are together, but just a little argument about things that we didn't think the same way. We made up right away after we argue. It's just like a fight that I have with my little sister. Yes, now my mom feels like another sister for me. We are pretty close, we talk a lot about many things (my friends, her friends, my study, my plan, even my ex-es). We go shopping together, hang out together whenever I'm home. We just haven't gotten any matching tattoos together because dang I hate being in pain (and there is no way Mom will do that. LOL)

This afternoon Mom just called me asking whether I'm okay or not since I've been a way for months and still not get any job. I really wanted to say I'm not okay because I am. I am not okay being in the place that I'm not familiar with, having no job and no friends. I am not okay because the truth is I feel guilty to you Mom since I am still depending my financial to you and Dad. I am not okay for the fact that I am 22 but I still can't make you proudly say to your friend that your oldest is finally doing fine with her life. I am not okay Mom because I wanted to be hug. This world scares me, I am scared to be an adult. I just want to be a 5 years old again, being tucked in my bed and tell you that I love and I'll be a good kid for you. I am definitely not okay Mom because I'm crying so much when I write this. You know I don't cry in daily basis.

But I can't tell my Mom that of course. I just quickly said I'm okay and I'm doing fine. Lying to her that I know I can get a job very soon (which I hope it is.) I just throw fluffy comfort words to make her feeling okay because I know, she has been not okay since she raised me.

It is okay for not being okay.

Yes it is. But not when it comes to your Mom. I think I don't want to make her worried anymore. That's probably why I lied about my feeling.

Anyway I hope that Mom doesn't read this post (or hopefully my entire blog because dang it's too embrassing). I just feel that I never write about Mom and I feel bad about that. I write about Dad every father's day but never write a single word in Mother's day. 

After writing this I just realized tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. YAY! Last year ,e and my sister were home on her birthday giving her a cake and stuffs (we cringed a lot that day. haha). But this year both of me and my sister are away, but she still have my Dad and our lil brother at home, thou.

Happy birthday, Mama. I hope you will live a healthy and a very long life so I can have enough time to make you happy and proud of me. Thank you for being born as my mother, nothing that I regret about it. Promise you I'll be a better mother. You are the best mother but I know I will do better. Please keep your pray with me and always be my companion whenever I feel lost and scared.

 I love you Mama, more than just the words beyond everything in this world.

From your oldest,
Mba Ajeng

We need to take more picture together, Ma!

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Questions You Shouldn't Have Asked

Budaya orang Indonesia kali ya yang dikit-dikit kepo ama urusan hidup orang lain. Indonesians are super friendly said the non-Indonesian. Iya, karena di Barat sana boro-boro nanyain anak udah berapa ketika papasan ama orang lain, nanyain kabar juga jarang.

Gue gatau apakah gue yang terlalu sensitif sama hal ini atau memang pada dasarnya budaya yang satu ini emang rada sedikit annoying akhir-akhir ini, BASA-BASI or Smal Talk, you named it. I think I am the worst Indonesian ever because I suck at it. Gue rasa banyak waktu yang bisa gue simpan dan berdayakan untuk hal lain selain basa-basi. Tidak jarang pula basa-basi ini mengikutsertakan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang seharusnya tidaklah patut dipertanyakan karena you are just stating the obvious for God's sake!

Di sini gue mencoba untuk merangkum beberapa pertanyaan yang sudah membudaya ditanyakan dan paling banyak ditanyakan oleh kerabat terdekat kita ketika ada hajatan keluarga:

1. Pacarnya mana? (Where's your girlfriend/boyfriend?)

When you are already past your teen age, people will start questioning you when you come alone at family reunion. I mean, yaiyalah ya dateng sendiri ke reunian keluarga. Pacar itu belum jadi bagian dari keluarga makanya kita males bawa-bawa pacar ke acara keluarga. Oh nope, that's not the main reason. The reason is because if we bring someone into that event and your relationship is not working then they will ask you the more annoying question: Lho udah ga sama yang kemaren lagi? Kenapa putus? Apalagi kalo elo orangnya baperan, beuh.

2. Kapan Wisuda? Kok lama amat sih? (When will you graduate? Why are you taking so long?)

Pertanyaan ini sering banget gue dapet dan kalian tau bagian paling ngeselinnya? MEREKA NANYANYA WAKTU GUE MASIH TAUN 3 KULIAH. Kesel ga sih lu? Gue gatau itu mereka beneran peduli apa cuma kepo doang. Gue rasa sih cuma kepo, karena kalau memang peduli mereka seharusnya tau gue baru taun tiga kuliah. 

There was one time when people ask me this question and it slightly hurts me a lot. Sewaktu itu gue ditanya oleh salah seorang Mama-nya temen gue. She was asked me: Kok belom wisuda sih Jeng? Si A yang kuliah kedokteran aja udah selesai, si B yang kuliah teknik juga. Right, True. Temen gue yang sewaktu itu kuliah kedokteran emang suskes menyelesaikan studinya dalam 3,5 tahun ya karena emang kedokteran masa studinya sebelum jadi sarjana 7 semester. Gue inget waktu itu gue pengen banget ngejelasin ke mereka bahwasanya mata kuliah gue itu full ampe semester 8 dan emang udah kodratnya kalo di jurusan gue masa studinya lebih dari 4 tahun dan mustahil untuk wisuda dalam 7 semester. Tapi gue urungkan niat gue, karena ya buat apa. Capek buang-buang waktu dan tenaga. Toh mereka juga gabakal ngerti ini.

Ga ada satu orangpun yang ga pengen wisuda cepet. Ga ada satu mahasiswapun yang ingin menempuh studi lebih lama dari seharusnya. Kita sebagai seorang mahasiswa yang juga seorang anak pasti mikirin orang tua yang terbebani oleh biaya kuliah pus nyinyiran orang tua tentang mengapa anak mereka kuliahnya belom keluar. and yes people, we are dying to graduate. Tapi namanya juga jalan hidup, masing-masing orang punya kendala masing-masing dalam masa studinya dan kita sebagai mahasiswa juga males ngumbar ke orang-orang.

Pernah ga sih ada yang sadar bahwasanya mahasiswa tingkat akhir yang lagi skripsian itu tingkat stress-nya mengerikan. Melenceng dikit banyak yang bisa bunuh diri kali ya. Dan dengan dicecar pertanyaan seperti ini, it doesn't help us at all. Yang ada kita makin stress dan pendek umur.

3. Kapan dapet kerja? Kok lama banget nganggurnya? (When will you get a job? You've been jobless for too long.)

Dang it, people! Dikata nyari kerja gampang apa yaa. Empet sih gue kalo udah ditanyain yang kayak-kayak gini. Even if I was just being a jobless for 3 months now, tapi tetep aja banyak yang rese nanyain seolah-olah gue udah nganggur bertahun-tahun. Kalo udah gini sih gue memilih untuk melontarkan senyum paling palsu kemudian berlalu.

4. The never ending questions of: Kapan nikah? Kapan punya anak? Kapan nambah anak? Kapan meninggal? (When will you get married? When will you have a child? When do you guys have more? When will you die?)

I think it doesn't need any explanation ya. Pastinya nanti gue akan berada di tahap ini and only God knows how will I react.

Pada intinya pertanyaan basa-basi di atas secara umum udah menyebalkan. Lebih menyebalkannya lagi mereka bertanya seolah-olah mereka memang peduli padahal emang cuma kepo dan pengen tau urusan orang aja.

Several things are better to be left unspoken.

Harusnya kita belajar lebih banyak untuk menahan diri menanyakan pertanyaan yang mempertanyakan. Kita terkadang tidak pernah menyadari bahwa sesungguhnya kita telah melukai ego orang lain meskipun kita tidak pernah bermaksud untuk melakukan hal tersebut.

Pada intinya sih gue jauh lebih menyukai budaya "Mind your own bussiness" meskipun itu menjadikan gue agak sedikit kebarat-baratan, but yeah that's a better way of living.

Sebenernya masih banyak lagi sih pertanyaan yang lebih baik tidak usah ditanyakan. tapi gue sudah terlalu malas untuk nulisin di sini. Hahaha

So I guess until the next post!
Cheers xx

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