#2 A Blog When I Feel Scared about Life

Today's weather is seriously a-don't-even-bother-my-sleeping-beauty-program-ish. Earlier this morning I woke up at 6, doing my Subuh pray (somethings that still always miss. Bad girl!) and suddenly it started to rain very heavily. I was planning to do some chores today, cleaning my lair and stuffs, doing laundry and some others but this productive days turned into a super lazy day.

So yeah, here I am right now, laying down on my bed with my laptop, drowning my self on Youtube then realize I need to write something for my Blogtober's post. Just like yesterday, I start to write at 2 PM. Guilty.

I already have some ideas and also mind mapping for the topic that I'll write. But now that I look at those schedule, I'm lost. I can't remember what I should write. I'm supposed to write about "Things I'm Grateful for" and already tried to write and suddenly have no idea what the hell I supposed to write. I'm staring at the screen for 10 minutes and still nothing popping out. So, I'm just giving up on that topic. I'll just tell you how do I feel today then, because it is so much easier. Haha

Well, I don't feel really good today. You know you are not okay when you wake up and feeling that something is off about your life. Yes, I'm always bothered by the fact that now I'm that one jobless bachelor. It's only couple days after my graduation thou, but I already stress about and concerned about my future. Call me a drama queen but I'm terrified as f right now.

I'm just not ready yet to be responsible for my own life I guess. I used to be that independent badass girl before. I was capable for everything, responsible for every mess that I caused, brave, and bold. I am one trusted daughter that my mother doesn't even need to call everyday just to check if I'm doing good because I always do a good job. Even if I bumped into some shitty things of life, I still can find my escaping plan, and work out every single damn time. But now? I feel fragile, scared, incapable, and needy. What's wrong with me?

I used to be that confident girl who always say yes for every opportunity that I got. I never turned my back for every new things and love to be challenged, but now I lose everything. I feel like not being my self right now.

Now I know that real world is scary. The fact that I'll be much more independent psychologically and financially is terrified me. All the responsible for being an adult, the taxes, the bills, the jobs, even the decisions are super scary. I'm not ready but I have to.

First thing about being adult is to find a job. By the job I mean here is the kind of job that I love and also can pay my bill. I used to say 'I won't be this, I don't like that, no way in this incredibly world I'd do that' for some possible careers that people suggest me. Now that I'm able to do my pick, life shows me its ugly mocking face. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO BE PICKY ABOUT JOB? Yes. Exactly. It's not easy to find a job especially in our super lovely and nice country (too many jobless people here, now I'm the part of that community).

To choose between your passion and being realistic about life

Some of my dream jobs require so much sacrifice and not guarantee me with good financial thingy. Some of them are bold and will make people throw "Why do you even want to do that?" question to me. I'm so close to give up on them until something popped up on my mind.

Why do you always do things you don't even like?

Yes, I always ended up do things I hate. Let's take a glance at the obvious one, my college degree. I've never thought about taking my bachelor degree in education. I've never thought about being a teacher. Never. Even in my worst dream. But I did. Yeah, I'm still doing good though even if I hate it so much. It feels like a torture to my ego, But I did that beautifully. Graduated faster than my other fellow who loves that major. I even can say that I was doing great at the Uni. I got a scholarship on my 3rd year, almost all of the Lecturers know me (for good a thing ofc), even graduated with satisfying GPA. I'm kind of proud of my self, y'know?

Maybe I did a great job. Maybe I can overcome my ego, but do I enjoy that? Nope. I feel burdened and not happy about that. I need to find soooo many kind of distractions to survive the sanity. Thanks God I met so many great people in my life. Bunch of crazy people who I can always count on my worst days. Meet some douche bags, play around and experienced severe broken heart(s). Yet, I survived my University life.

But, do I want to experience something like that again? Not in a billion years! I have enough for doing shitty things. But one thing that I learn from life, nothing will happen as you planned.

I'm aware that from now on, there will be so much pain, many failures and obstacles that I'll face. From now on I'll meet scary people with their scary intention, suspicious motives and so on. The thing is I think  I'm not ready to step up into this whole new different world. But there is no turn back point, I just need to go on.

So, here I am right now trying to figure out where these things will lead me.

I think I need to stop writing this post because it will become more and more depressing. LOL! Oh, fun fact, I finish this post at 07.07 PM. Yes! I'm late because I have a TOEFL Preparation Class today (funny huh, a Bachelor in English needs a preparation Class? But I need to, my proficiency is not enough to make me continue my master degree overseas. 600 for ITP? Duh).

Well guys, I hope I can write something useful tomorrow.

Thanks guys for reading, here is a quote from Tumblr for ya~

Cheers xx