No Mom, I am not okay. But I hope you are.

My relationship with my Mom is not like the other daughters to their Mom. I am more like Dad's tough little girl rather than Mom's little helper. I was living miles apart from my Mom when I was 4 years old for a year due to my Mom's job. Years 4 is the year I need my Mom the most, but she wasn't there. In replace my grandmother was there being a  substitute and play the role of mother for me. That's why I love Oma the most in my life and I think My Mom feels that it's not fair for her. I still love my Mom anyway.

After she came back and we are reunited, my Mom gave a birth to the little devil I called sister. Yes, my little sister comes when I just got my mother back. Wonder why I used to hate her (I still hate her now for stealing my stuffs, but I can tell I miss her the most when I'm alone). Since I have a little sister, I felt like I was pushed away. I never really being that close anymore to my mother after that. I become closer to my father since I know that I am his favorite child (not until 12 years later My Mom gave birth to my favorite little brother. But I'm okay Dad, I always know you want a son. Besides my brother is super cute too.)

Growing up in my teenage life, I became a little bit wild. I always made some troubles that the school needs to call Mom. In this age, we fought a lot, like suuuuuper a lot. I never wanted to listen and always did the opposite things Mom told me. I think she suffered a lot because of me. I know, I was a bad kid. Even if I was doing good with my study, get the top three in class, winning some athletics competition, but still I always put my self in trouble by fighting with other students.

I never shout or yelled to my Mom. Nor even talked back whenever she scolds me. I just kept on  being silent because I know I was wrong. The thing is I keep doing the same mistake and guess what is the worst part? I never told her that I was sorry to her. I regret it now.

Whenever we fight, Dad always be the only one who suffered a lot. He can't choose. He knows my mom is right and I was wrong, but he can't scold me since he knows I know I was wrong but I just don't want to tell. I have the biggest ego in the world when I was a teenager and guess where is it from? Of course my Mom. I ever runaway from home. Twice (if I wasn't wrong). I came back home after realizing I scared the shit out of my Dad (and also running out of money. Classic). I never want to worry my father. Being a bad kid for my Mom is enough, Dad always has my back I shouldn't have made him worried too, that was what I thought.

I moved out from home for Uni and that was the best day of my life. I got my own place and lived alone by my rules. I was finally being free and not gonna fight with Mom anymore. During my first year, I only come home once a month while my friends are going home almost every weekend. I was doing super fine alone and my Mom and me barely even fight.

Everything changed when I turned 20. Out of nowhere I started to realize so many things in life including the things that I always hate: Mama's Don't Rules. My Mom has soooooo many things that she told me I can't do. But in that age, I realize Mom was right. Every. Single. Time.

In my 20 I realized why Mom asks me to do my own laundry, doing chores, and many other things that I hate. Turns out, everything that she taught me (that I always hate) made me a better human being rather than the other children on my age. I started to realize that I hate my Mom for taking care of me and I felt bad. I remembered that night I was on a deep thought and suddenly I texted her that I am really sorry. She freaks out and calls me the other day. She thought I was about to do something stupid and we laughed a lot that morning,

The more I grow up, the more I realize that Mom just tried to help me. She helps me to be prepared for this cruel world when I am all alone and she can't offer direct help. It was just me who interpreted wrongly and thought she was just trying to torture me.

My relationship with mom grows better and better. Mom used to worried about me a lot and not allowed me to do many things and anywhere unnecessary. But now, she is fully trusting me for doing anything. She lets me to choose my own clothes (and still nags me that I look ugly and inappropriate then ask me to change. But I feel fine now.), she allows me to take a vacation with friends wherever I want, she stops questioning me for whatever I do and starts to support me. I think she realizes now that I'm totally grown up and know what to do.

We still fight whenever we are together, but just a little argument about things that we didn't think the same way. We made up right away after we argue. It's just like a fight that I have with my little sister. Yes, now my mom feels like another sister for me. We are pretty close, we talk a lot about many things (my friends, her friends, my study, my plan, even my ex-es). We go shopping together, hang out together whenever I'm home. We just haven't gotten any matching tattoos together because dang I hate being in pain (and there is no way Mom will do that. LOL)

This afternoon Mom just called me asking whether I'm okay or not since I've been a way for months and still not get any job. I really wanted to say I'm not okay because I am. I am not okay being in the place that I'm not familiar with, having no job and no friends. I am not okay because the truth is I feel guilty to you Mom since I am still depending my financial to you and Dad. I am not okay for the fact that I am 22 but I still can't make you proudly say to your friend that your oldest is finally doing fine with her life. I am not okay Mom because I wanted to be hug. This world scares me, I am scared to be an adult. I just want to be a 5 years old again, being tucked in my bed and tell you that I love and I'll be a good kid for you. I am definitely not okay Mom because I'm crying so much when I write this. You know I don't cry in daily basis.

But I can't tell my Mom that of course. I just quickly said I'm okay and I'm doing fine. Lying to her that I know I can get a job very soon (which I hope it is.) I just throw fluffy comfort words to make her feeling okay because I know, she has been not okay since she raised me.

It is okay for not being okay.

Yes it is. But not when it comes to your Mom. I think I don't want to make her worried anymore. That's probably why I lied about my feeling.

Anyway I hope that Mom doesn't read this post (or hopefully my entire blog because dang it's too embrassing). I just feel that I never write about Mom and I feel bad about that. I write about Dad every father's day but never write a single word in Mother's day. 

After writing this I just realized tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. YAY! Last year ,e and my sister were home on her birthday giving her a cake and stuffs (we cringed a lot that day. haha). But this year both of me and my sister are away, but she still have my Dad and our lil brother at home, thou.

Happy birthday, Mama. I hope you will live a healthy and a very long life so I can have enough time to make you happy and proud of me. Thank you for being born as my mother, nothing that I regret about it. Promise you I'll be a better mother. You are the best mother but I know I will do better. Please keep your pray with me and always be my companion whenever I feel lost and scared.

 I love you Mama, more than just the words beyond everything in this world.

From your oldest,
Mba Ajeng

We need to take more picture together, Ma!